


I'm Sorry I Loved You

by Nutella20018



Series: Mikasa/Annie Stories [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, F/F, F/M, Introspection, Intrusive Thoughts, Not Canon Compliant, POV Mikasa Ackerman, POV Third Person, Past Relationship(s), Playlist, Post-Break Up, Swearing, Underage Smoking, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28335255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nutella20018/pseuds/Nutella20018
Summary: A take on Mikasa and Annie“Im not even sorry, i tried my best, honestly, i know i fucked up many times too, but you never let me down on those either. Theres no point now”“Why won’t you let me try just one last time…”Mikasa read those words...
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Series: Mikasa/Annie Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075052
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	I'm Sorry I Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what I'm doing. I'll figure it out as I go. I don't really enjoy stories with more than one chapter so I will make more stories as I write them. Please be kind, this is my first time ever sharing a story

It’s all she can think about. All of the things they did together, the promises they made. It haunts her each night and steals her sleep. She can’t help but to try and think about when everything started collapsing. Mikasa is so stuck on her that she cannot do anything else, turning more robotic than usual. Why did she let herself get that close? She’s supposed to be above these feelings yet… when it comes to her, everything is unorganized and chaotic. Mikasa knows that she is the last thing in her mind but still, there is a small part of her that silently wishes that Annie was thinking of her too. 

Mikasa and Annie didn’t know each other for that long but the heart doesn’t care about time. Annie quickly tore her apart and burrowed inside Mikasa’s head, forever taking a piece of her heart with her. She prided herself on never breaking and giving in to her emotions. Annie changed it all. Mikasa lost herself.

It’s been two months since she last saw Annie. The pain from that day isn’t as strong anymore. The words she said still lingered in the back of her mind every time she's alone. Sometimes her facade slipped whenever she saw a reminder of their memories together, she always put her mask back on without anyone noticing. She had to remind herself that there was no one there for her to lean on. This was Mikasa’s burden to bear alone. There is no one she could talk to if it wasn’t Annie. 

It was night again. Mikasa turned over and picked up her phone to check the time. 2:54am. She knew she wasn’t going to sleep any time soon. At times like these she wished she wasn’t at home. She wanted to smoke. She wouldn’t have her friends put up with her habit. She wasn’t going to let a repeat of that night happen again. 

_ “Im not even sorry, i tried my best, honestly, i know i fucked up many times too, but you never let me down on those either. Theres no point now”  _

_ “Why won’t you let me try just one last time…”  _

_ Mikasa read those words and suddenly her knees buckled and she crashed to the floor, hunched over a trash can throwing up bile. She hadn’t been eating very well since Annie asked for time to think. Her entire world suddenly lost color once again and she shattered on the floor of that college dorm. Mikasa couldn’t control her emotions any longer, she broke apart, violently sobbing, and, as if her body had a mind of its own, slammed her fists into the ground until she could no longer feel them. She didn’t know what to do or how to live without Annie. She was on autopilot the rest of that day. She still had classes she needed to go to, a presentation. Mikasa picked herself up and grabbed her phone. She secretly took a screenshot of her conversation with Annie and sent it to Armin. _

_ “I told you” _

_ “Oh no!! Are you okay Mikasa? Do you need anything? I’m so sorry she did that to you, I was sure Annie would forgive you” _

_ “I’m not okay. This is the first time I will admit to you that I am far from okay. I am in so much pain, I cannot stop crying over this. I know I told you I would never ask, but right now I really need it. Can you please buy me something to smoke? I don’t care what it is, just please… I need it” _

_ “Okay, hold on. You are coming to see me after your classes” _

_ “Okay…” _

_ “Hey I’m not really feeling well today, I know we have our presentation so I’ll try to hardest” _

_ “Hi!! It’s okay don’t worry you’ll do great!! Are you okay?” _

_ “No but I’ll be okay” _

_ Mikasa sat at her computer going over her notes and checked her phone while the sounds of the other students in her class were giving their presentations. Jean responds fast… She had told Jean what had happened, it was only fair. He was her boyfriend and they promised each other they would always talk when something went wrong.  _

_ “If you need anything tell me okay? That’s what I’m here for” _

_ “I know, thank you. I’ll text you after class if I’m feeling up to it” _

_ “Don’t force yourself, I’ll understand. Good luck on your presentation!” _

_ She didn’t bother responding anymore. It was her group’s turn to present. She honestly had no idea what she was doing, she didn’t understand any of the information on their project, too focused on Annie to engage in her lab. She struggled through a difficult presentation. Historia had texted her afterwards telling her she did good and no one could tell that she was breaking. Mikasa thanked her and made small talk for a bit before she packed her things and left. It was time for her to go back to her dorm and talk to Armin. With a sigh she shouldered her bag and got ready for a long walk back. Jean had texted her on her way back, he was getting out of work soon and asked her if she wanted food. Mikasa had said no but Jean insisted. _

_ “At least let me do this much for you today” _

_ “Okay…” _

_ She walked up to Armin’s door and knocked, waited a few seconds and went in. Armin was sitting at his desk right next to the door. He patted the seat at the desk next to him. Mikasa had been on the phone when she got to Armin’s room. Eren and Levi had wanted her to call as soon as she got out of class. Of course they knew, they could immediately sense that something had happened. They thought that she was fine now because she seemed to be keeping herself together. As soon as they ended the call, Mikasa crashed. The mask she had kept on for so long fell off again in Armin’s presence.  _

_ “I’m so sorry, I tried really hard. I’ve been holding it all in so they wouldn’t be worried anymore and in class too but now that I’m here I can’t hold it back anymore” _

_ “It’s okay Mikasa, you don’t need to anymore. You’ve been so strong all day. You can let go now. I’m here.”  _

_ Armin sat there as Mikasa broke apart once again. She was almost screaming at that point, letting all of the pain she held back out. Armin didn’t try touching her or saying anything. He just stayed sitting. When she finally calmed down somewhat, she talked to Armin about all of the things she did for Annie. Armin grew angry as he listened to it but he stayed still and waited until Mikasa had finished.  _

_ “‘Kasa… you didn’t deserve this. I’m so sorry she did that to you, but I’m here for you okay?” _

_ “I want to believe you but I can’t, I’m sorry Armin.” _

_ “It’s okay, don’t be sorry. I know Annie broke that. Unlike her, I’ll actually show you that you can trust me. Hey I did get the thing you asked me for!! I had to go to three different stores because no one had any, they were all sold out” Armin said looking exasperated but still chuckling.  _

_ “It’s strawberry kiwi flavored. It sounds good” _

_ Mikasa opened up the disposable vape Armin bought her, turning it over and over again in her hands. She didn’t want to smoke in front of him so she snuck a puff when he left to go grab his phone from the other room. It tasted familiar. Armin sat there with her until someone knocked on the door. It was Jean standing there awkwardly carrying dinner for the two of them. Mikasa smiled and introduced Jean to Armin and they made small talk while they watched Mikasa to make sure she ate at least a small bite of food. She ate a bit to satisfy them but she knew if she tried eating more than just a bite or two she would throw it all up again. Mikasa had been texting Hange. She invited her over to talk about Annie. Hange knew the two of them and saw how close they were so they knew they would be able to provide a different angle about the whole situation than Mikasa could see. After seeing that she ate at least a bit of her food, Jean left to go clean himself up as he had rushed over as soon as he got out of work. Mikasa slumped down in her chair the second the door shut. She found it exhausting to put on a smile for even a minute. When Hange had texted Mikasa that they were finally in their dorm, Mikasa stood up and thanked Armin for forcing her to come over and left. She got on the first bus she saw and started making her way to Hange to tell them about what happened with Annie _

She combed over the past events each night. Mikasa couldn’t let herself get over it. It was all her fault. No matter what anyone told her, she cannot believe that it wasn’t because of her. She was too overbearing that it caused Annie to hate her. Mikasa wanted to forget her, but more than anything she wished Annie would come back. She’s exhausted, all of the sleepless nights are catching up to her. She doesn’t try to stay up all night, night is the only time she allows herself to let herself feel. Mikasa sighs and checks her phone once again. It’s almost five now. She turns over one more time and reaches down to pull something from her bag. She lets her fingers feel the smooth texture of what she grabbed, turning it over and over in her hands, suddenly remembering that night back in Armin’s dorm. She goes to grab her phone this time and looks for her earphones she tossed onto her bed earlier in the day. Mikasa doesn’t know when she came to depend on this but she knows it’s a habit that stemmed from Annie. She pulls up a familiar site. She’s laying, spread out, on her bed with an empty look in her eyes. She wonders when her life turned like this.

**Author's Note:**

> If you did end up reading my story, thank you. Please let me know how I did and how I can improve. This is something very new to me.


End file.
